Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Bring me that man meat
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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