I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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