I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
