I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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