Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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