Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
