Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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