My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
