Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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