420 ftw
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize