Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
