One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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