just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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