He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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