I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
this hospital has no fireball
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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