Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
