thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
