My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
