i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
