I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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