dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
