dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
