I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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