theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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