I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
