You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
