All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
