I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
