woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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