haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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