im six kinds of drunk right now
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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