You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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