tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize