My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
