so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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