The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
