guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
