Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
