we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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