Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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