Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
