god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
