I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
