I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
