I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
