but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
