I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
