Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
