im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
