lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
