i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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