Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
