Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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