My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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