I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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