Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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