It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
