Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
