Need sex. Gaining weight.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
